First of all, I want to preface that this post is in no shape, form, or fashion about one person or a couple in particular. I see this weekly, if not daily. And I know you all do, too.
With that also being said, if the shoe fits, mutha fuggin’ wear it with pride, because it’s official: you’re in an extremely destructive partnership that no amount of couple’s therapy can help.
We all know a friend on Facebook who desperately plays out their relationship on social media like it’s the latest installment of Days of Our Lives. Due to their immense amount of issues, their problems can’t be self-contained and are unleashed like a bat out of hell for the entire world to view, like, and comment on.
About once a month, you’ll see a post come flying out of nowhere that has a quote from Rihanna slapped to the front of it.
And that’s when you know it’s serious.
When have you ever seen a photo like this and not been like, “Oh, shit! Generic, mysterious, and written by a 15-year-old on Tumblr. This is gonna be good.”
The caption will read something like:
“F U, mothur *&^%#@#$!!!! Rly? My step-sister? I wuld say I can’t bleive this, but BRUH. YOU AIN’T A REAL MAN. Pray 4 me durin this hardd time. Going to remember my fav Bible verse that’s tatooed on my butt — Euphesians 4:16! #yurapieceofSHIT #ded2me.”
Maybe that’s just my feed, because I’m from Alabama, but you get the gist of it. I bet you’re already thinking of someone you know that does this crap.
Literally the next week, they’ve made up and posted a wedding photo, followed by a 14-paged long message about their reconciliation.
“To my Husband RAY: Yur a sun of a bitch, but I luv u. U know I can’t do life without you, bby. I luved you since we was a kid. WE GREW up 2gether. Thank U for standing bi my stand thru the worst. I will promise 2 always be the best wife in the entire world. Can’t wait 4 ur probation 2 b ovr. #dat4everkindaluvSHIT #ujealous? #kfc.”
Wait. Are they going to get divorced? What happened with that girl from Tinder? Did he cheat again? Is Ray’s brother still flirting at Thanksgiving? Was the restraining order dropped? Did Kim finally learn to love herself?
I missed the last episode!!! Someone catch me up!
I’ve never been one to air all my dirty laundry on social media, but I know that it is entirely possible to meet someone that doesn’t make you feel like you need to finish off a bottle of whiskey and then pretend to be the next Ernest Hemingway on Facebook.
Because, that’s called being delusional.
I realize that some people are less private than others, but seriously?
I feel like when you constantly have to affirm your partner on social media that you care for them, there’s something seriously wrong with your relationship.
And by affirm, I’m not saying posts that are just simple, “I love you” posts. I’m talking about the ones that are written in the form of a novella and peppered with passive-aggressive comments. If you can’t say it in 250 characters or less, let’s just agree to put it in a Hallmark card and call it a day.
Here’s my reasons:
1. It’s a sign of immaturity.
When you’re 20, it’s okay. Fighting and making up on social media is fine, because you have nothing in your brain that fears the humiliation you will experience when you see these posts as haunting “memories” later on.
Thanks for showing me I got cheated on March 2, 2006, Facebook!
At 25+, I expect that if you get into a fight with your SO, you drop the bullshit and learn to talk about it in person, like the adult you actually are. Maybe, that’s just me, but I feel like if you’re unable to do that and only express yourself on a platform in writing you:
A. Don’t know how to properly communicate.
B. Are completely arrogant.
C. Probably not very smart.
2. You’re overcompensating for something.
Any time I see a post that goes on and on about how much a person loves their partner, my eyes roll so far back in my head that they briefly visit outer space. Sure, appreciation is cool, but unless it’s an anniversary or a birthday, what are you even doing with your life? Two to three sentences max, and it needs to have some kind of humor in it.
Otherwise, open up a new Microsoft Word document, write your love story in there, send it off to Nicholas Sparks’s publisher, and wait for a response.
No one needs to know your marriage counseling is working, Karen.
3. You’re pressured to do it by your partner.
This is an all-time favorite of mine: a man affirming his wife’s words in a cringe-worthy post about love. If you see something like the following photo, go ahead and contact 911, because this is a cry for help:
Personally, I feel like there’s nothing sexier than being compared to the moon or being told that my body is “dainty, yet furious.” Also, I just want everyone to take a moment and visualize a woman who is actually brighter than the sun.
Now, that’s food for thought.
In this post, you’ll see something that goes something like:
“Even though our kids are in college, and you just sit in the house and drink wine all day, I realize that being a stay-at-home mom is incredibly hard. That Maltese puppy ain’t going to raise itself, is it? (LOL! – He still ain’t potty trained and it’s been 18 months!) Any way. Enough of the goofy stuff. Honey, I love you. I know that even though I work 90 hours a week, you work twice as hard as I do. Did I mention how I am thankful for you folding my t-shirt? ‘Cause I am. And I love how you make meatloaf every Friday. YUM! If I haven’t told everyone, I HAVE THE BEST WIFE EVER AND SHE’S STILL GOT A ROCKIN’ BOD, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD 6 BABIES!”
What happened in this situation was known as The Great Bitchfest of Modern America. It happened approximately three hours before this post was typed, and will continue having repercussions until the end of time.
So, the point is: if you do any of these things, please stop.
Therapy works a lot better and actually supports your mental health.
If you’re with an insecure loser that only cares about their image on social media and feels the need to play out their entire life, including their relationship (fights, breakups, times that you might love each other, and times you’re just faking it for a cute pic) dump him or her immediately.
Otherwise, I’ll screenshot your idiotic captions about your girlfriend being prettier than a fresh load of laundry, and send them to my best friend.