It looked like someone had just murmured, "Sleeeeeeppppp," into its very visible earhole, while smothering it with a tiny pillow. I couldn't stop staring at its closed eyes, which featured actual blonde eyelashes. The chicken was laying on it's stomach, beak pointing north, with one eye facing towards me. If the octopus hadn't murdered my … Continue reading What’s Josh Groban Got to Do with a Dead Chicken at a French Restaurant?
Growing up, I would definitely say I was sheltered, but that changed pretty quickly when a new family moved into the Lintons' old house. I don't remember much about them, except that my golden retriever, Sam, invited himself to their son's fifth birthday party. He then proceeded to massacre a pack of newborn wiener dogs … Continue reading The Time I Thought I Was Going to Become an Orphan, but Instead Got Interrogated About a Crime
On the way to Laguna, I looked out the window as my roommate drove past the cheap, Hawaiian-themed bar the DILF and I spent some time at before any of the knife wielding, teeth clenching, crazy eyes stuff happened. It was there that we drank Lupa Lupas and got into an actual argument about what era … Continue reading Part Two of My Date From Hell: Royals
About a month ago, I went on, hands down, the worst date of my life. Never mind, it wasn't even a bad date. Instead, it was basically like someone transported me into my own personal version of hell for nearly an hour. A little background information about the situation: I'd been seeing this dude for a … Continue reading A Play-by-Play of the Worst Date I’ve Ever Been On
It was a brisk, yet sunny Saturday morning and my immediate waking thought was to throw my favorite necklace into the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Seriously. I opened my eyes and was like, "Opal. Ocean. Done." I'd been watching too much Big Little Lies, but in my defense, that's a great show and reenacting some of those scenes … Continue reading How a Series of Rational Thoughts Saved My Favorite Necklace from Being Thrown Into the Bottom of the Pacific Ocean. And Yes, I’m Crazy.
When I moved to California, the prospect of a relationship genuinely gave my acid reflux. I had just stopped talking to my ex and I wasn’t ready for commitment at all. I was subjected to a considerate number of shirtless pictures featuring his fresh new abs and a waxed or shaved? chest. Champagne bottles were … Continue reading Breakin’ on Up, Movin’ on Up, and Finally Having a Piece of the Pie
In my defense, I didn’t know that boob massages were a thing. We all hear about those notorious trips to Thailand, but we weren’t in Phuket and I didn’t make a reservation to get Phuked either. Before I boarded the airplane from Sydney to Denpasar, I imagined that I was about to Eat, Pray, Love … Continue reading I Got a Boob Massage in Bali and Now I Feel Dead Inside