It looked like someone had just murmured, “Sleeeeeeppppp,” into its very visible earhole, while smothering it with a tiny pillow. I couldn’t stop staring at its closed eyes, which featured actual blonde eyelashes. The chicken was laying on it’s stomach, beak pointing north, with one eye facing towards me. If the octopus hadn’t murdered my […]
The Time I Thought I Was Going to Become an Orphan, but Instead Got Interrogated About a Crime
Growing up, I would definitely say I was sheltered, but that changed pretty quickly when a new family moved into the Lintons’ old house. I don’t remember much about them, except that my golden retriever, Sam, invited himself to their son’s fifth birthday party. He then proceeded to massacre a pack of newborn wiener dogs […]
Part Two of My Date From Hell: Royals
On the way to Laguna, I looked out the window as my roommate drove past the cheap, Hawaiian-themed bar the DILF and I spent some time at before any of the knife wielding, teeth clenching, crazy eyes stuff happened. It was there that we drank Lupa Lupas and got into an actual argument about what era […]
When Life Gives You Potholes, Sponsored by Luke Bryan Gifs
Recently, I fell into a pothole. While I wish that was a metaphor, it’s not, because my life is actually a dumpster fire that refuses to burn out. Either way, I like to think that God personally chose me to fall into the San Andreas Fault in front of a group of innocent bystanders and […]
Love and Blackberry Bushes: The Southern Version of Love and Basketball
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved blackberries. When I was growing up, there was actually a blackberry bush right outside my house. It grew along a muscadine vine wrapped around our chain link fence, which housed our famed enormous Great Danes. I remember being very small, maybe seven or eight-years-old, and picking […]
Hitting Puberty for the Second Time is Cool, But Not Really.
As a child, because I was quite literally a child, puberty was a horrific experience. I will lead by saying that I got my period in fifth grade as an ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD. I don’t know what God was thinking when he made me fertile at such a young age, but I honestly thought I was dying. […]
A Play-by-Play of the Worst Date I’ve Ever Been On
About a month ago, I went on, hands down, the worst date of my life. Never mind, it wasn’t even a bad date. Instead, it was basically like someone transported me into my own personal version of hell for nearly an hour. A little background information about the situation: I’d been seeing this dude for a […]
