How a Magical Talking Pen Turned Me Into a Childhood Bully

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I flew out of my mom's child bride-sized body a month after she turned 20. Oddly enough, her pregnancy was planned, since she wanted to have kids before the end of the world. Yes, you heard that correctly. When I asked her a few years ago why she decided to have children at such a … Continue reading How a Magical Talking Pen Turned Me Into a Childhood Bully

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Gather Round, Children—Here’s What It’s Like to Travel to Different Dimensions (and Jupiter)

July 12, 2019, is an important date that will go down in every copy of history books handed out to future high school students. Why? Well, on this date, the first human landed on Jupiter. This person went through absolutely no training and was utterly unprepared. You're probably asking, "Who might this mystery person be?" … Continue reading Gather Round, Children—Here’s What It’s Like to Travel to Different Dimensions (and Jupiter)

Well, Spain Was Just as Wonderful as I Thought It’d Be

When I was in college, one of my best friends dated a now professional football player who was from the ever-so-sultry España. His name was even Alejandro, which made him exactly 99.8% hotter. They got pretty serious, which meant that lucky b*tch got to go to Spain to meet his family. This was before Instagram … Continue reading Well, Spain Was Just as Wonderful as I Thought It’d Be

Voyaging Across the Atlantic Like a Very Rich Early 20th Century Immigrant

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A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and chief engineer on an 150 ft. super yacht asked me if I'd be interested in crossing the Atlantic Ocean with him on a massive 700 ft. transport ship called Dockwise. Basically, the Dockwise ship takes 14 super yachts from Fort Lauderdale to the Mediterranean. I can honestly say, … Continue reading Voyaging Across the Atlantic Like a Very Rich Early 20th Century Immigrant

Shower Praying My Way Through Life

shower prayer noun [sh-ou-wer pr-ay-er] The formalized act of spiritual cleansing performed when one desperately prays in the shower to a higher power.  Example: I sat down in the shower and did a lengthy 40-minute shower prayer that brought me into direct communication with the divine. I felt at peace with my life and for … Continue reading Shower Praying My Way Through Life

Stop Overcompensating for Your Sh*tty Relationship on Facebook

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First of all, I want to preface that this post is in no shape, form, or fashion about one  person or a couple in particular. I see this weekly, if not daily. And I know you all do, too. With that also being said, if the shoe fits, mutha fuggin' wear it with pride, because … Continue reading Stop Overcompensating for Your Sh*tty Relationship on Facebook

My First Sexual Harassment: A Coming of Age Story

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After graduating from college, I moved to Nashville, and developed my own #meToo story, filled with sexual harassment and an attempt to dissolve my self esteem. My first real job was as an assistant to a wannabe business mogul who owned a recruiting company. At the interview, he seemed normal and nice. There was nothing … Continue reading My First Sexual Harassment: A Coming of Age Story