How a Magical Talking Pen Turned Me Into a Childhood Bully

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I flew out of my mom's child bride-sized body a month after she turned 20. Oddly enough, her pregnancy was planned, since she wanted to have kids before the end of the world. Yes, you heard that correctly. When I asked her a few years ago why she decided to have children at such a … Continue reading How a Magical Talking Pen Turned Me Into a Childhood Bully

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Well, Spain Was Just as Wonderful as I Thought It’d Be

When I was in college, one of my best friends dated a now professional football player who was from the ever-so-sultry España. His name was even Alejandro, which made him exactly 99.8% hotter. They got pretty serious, which meant that lucky b*tch got to go to Spain to meet his family. This was before Instagram … Continue reading Well, Spain Was Just as Wonderful as I Thought It’d Be

Voyaging Across the Atlantic Like a Very Rich Early 20th Century Immigrant

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A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and chief engineer on an 150 ft. super yacht asked me if I'd be interested in crossing the Atlantic Ocean with him on a massive 700 ft. transport ship called Dockwise. Basically, the Dockwise ship takes 14 super yachts from Fort Lauderdale to the Mediterranean. I can honestly say, … Continue reading Voyaging Across the Atlantic Like a Very Rich Early 20th Century Immigrant

Shower Praying My Way Through Life

shower prayer noun [sh-ou-wer pr-ay-er] The formalized act of spiritual cleansing performed when one desperately prays in the shower to a higher power.  Example: I sat down in the shower and did a lengthy 40-minute shower prayer that brought me into direct communication with the divine. I felt at peace with my life and for … Continue reading Shower Praying My Way Through Life

The Moon Isn’t Real, Donald Trump is a Reptilian Alien, and Other Stories by My Lyft Driver

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On Wednesday night, I arrived back in California after a short visit to Fort Lauderdale. A few weeks before, I was complaining to my boyfriend about how boring people in California are and that I didn't have much to write about these days. Everyone I know works so hard to maintain an Instagram image and … Continue reading The Moon Isn’t Real, Donald Trump is a Reptilian Alien, and Other Stories by My Lyft Driver

Stop Overcompensating for Your Sh*tty Relationship on Facebook

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First of all, I want to preface that this post is in no shape, form, or fashion about one  person or a couple in particular. I see this weekly, if not daily. And I know you all do, too. With that also being said, if the shoe fits, mutha fuggin' wear it with pride, because … Continue reading Stop Overcompensating for Your Sh*tty Relationship on Facebook